I am moderately terrified of flying. For me, those pre-take-off moments are the worst. Sitting there, strapped into a 200-foot metal tube, life in the hands of someone named “First Officer Ted,” pondering everything I haven’t accomplished in my 23 short years, and who I need to confess my undying love for if the plane goes into a full-on nosedive. At this point, I haven’t been served my mini-bottle of bad Chardonnay to take the edge off, and I’m not allowed to watch “House” on my iPod until the use of in-flight electronics has been approved. So, in a desparate attempt to stop thinking about my own mortality, I always turn (with somewhat guilty pleasure) to SkyMall.
Of course, I always have a good laugh at their ridiculous home care products like miniature remote-controlled robotic vacuum cleaners or a combination flat screen tv and automatic shower cleaner, but it’s the “cooking” section of SkyMall that always really blows my mind. I think it’s fair to say (and if you work for SkyMall or know someone who does, feel free to refute this) that SkyMall carries absolutely nothing useful in the way of food preparation. Don’t even try to argue for the Premium Margaritaville Maker—I mean, I love a maragarita as much as the next girl, but $350 dollars to churn out frozen drinks for a crowd? Go to a bar! And even if the AeroGarden Pro 200 (aka upside-down tomato growing thingy) really grows vegetables, how many of those do you think are collecting dust in well-intentioned buyer’s attics?
As far as I’m concerned, when it comes to SkyMall’s “cooking” products (and yes, I am going to keep putting that in quotes), there is an untouchable triumverate of ridiculousness:
3. The Old Fashioned Carnival Cotton Candy Maker, which is guaranteed to “bring back the good old days” with its “adorable miniature replica of the original vendor carts.”
2. The Dough-nu-Matic, which, for the low price of $129.99, “automatically forms, fries and drains delectable mini-doughnuts in just 50 seconds!”
1. And finally, the Hot-Diggity-Dogger, which is unequaled in complete uselessness. SkyMall markets it as a “pop-up hot dog cooker,” but if you look closely at the appliance itself, you’ll see its real name.
For me, invention of these ingenious machines really calls up life’s big questions, like: What did we do before we could cook hot dogs AND buns in one jacked-up toaster?! But I must say, I love the unabashed whimsy of these appliances. They all remind me of an over-grown Easy Bake Oven, and frankly, who doesn’t love spending an afternoon par-cooking “brownies” with a 60 watt bulb?